Will we buy the tickets?

Saturday, saturated. Pssst! Pssst! Are you there? I hope this is not my blindness covering all things I touch. My last heartbeat was months ago. I need to dance and it seems it will take longer than expected. But music sounds better with you. You’ll be on my mind forever. I just can’t stop it, girl I say huh!!!

I love labyrinths. It was the biggest one since I was born and I’m still looking forward to repeat. Disco nights, dancing, sweating, jumping, drinking wine, tequila, whatever! This is us, take the control of it before it takes you back. Choose, it is always the best part. When we choose then every door can be opened, can be closed.
Rewind…

Please dears excuse the craziness of this Saturday of non coffee break. Did I said anything about music? Wow she’s the greatest lover ever! Here you can have a piece of my Saturday’s heart. Comes from those “old friends.” Actually I was in primary the first time I heard of them and I thought “hey this Losing my religion sounds good." My best friend said it was her brother’s favorite music, we were only 11 so I was absolutely clueless about them. And this, was my very first cassette as a gift.
Today they are still singing happily in my room.

(“Push play")

R.E.M.
The Ascent Man

So hesitation pulled me back
I'm stronger when I don't attract
In your eyes I'm a lamb without a rack
And I am getting confused.
I'm a cactus trying to be a canoe.
As you pan for ore
In the desert, floored,
I say to you.

That I could never imagine a place so beautiful
I could never steal your gold away.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I came across like a battering ram
I try to float like a telegram sam
I'm trying to divine you.)

My book is called "the ascent of man".
I marked your chapter with a catamaran.
The accent's off,
But I am what I am.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I came across like a battering ram
I try to float like a telegram sam
I'm trying to divine you.)

I looked for you, it's my last grandstand.
A motorscootered goat legged pan
Figure eighting in quicksand...

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I try to float like a telegram sam
I came across like a battering ram
I'm trying to divine you.)

(I try to walk like a big wham bam
I try to float like a telegram sam
I came across like a battering ram
I'm trying to divine you.)

So hesitation pulled me back
I'm so in love I don't attract.
And with my hands tied I won't crack
('cause in my mind I called you back.)

Welt

What is wrong here? What’s happening to me? I’m feeling like if I’m repeating the metamorphose from childhood to youth. My body is changing, I’m feeling it. I’m losing weight but I’m eating healthier. I’m worried about everything and then I feel nerved like if I was in the entrance of 40’s but maybe it is just ten years less. Ten.
Don’t you sometimes hide platonic relationships (very hidden) to other people who appear in your daily live? Like the girl at the supermarket or like the butcher….
Today one of the most serious men I see through my daily life, actually yes, the butcher, he’s kind of wise guy. Not talking too much, not looking stupid, working and saying just few but enough words. Today I found he has more to say than that. He was smiling at me, and asked some few things and it was just strange. We are not always prepared to change those little things in our daily lives. I can be so obsessive I guess. So he changed the afternoon in someway. And it was not (and even it’s still not) over!
I caught a normal habit, one that most people do and it is to have a “personal” hairdresser. I knew days ago I was not seeing her ‘round (-my hairdresser-) and I was asking myself why? The answer came as the butcher’s smile. The front desk girl told me she’s going to leave ‘cause she’s pregnant. I’m so happy about her. I’m so happy she changed my life and made me think “superficial things” like “hairstyle” can give you a nice talk of some interesting things, then you as human, fall in love with the other. I mean always we have the opportunity to meet someone better it is we are able to appreciate the person. I mean I really like her, suddenly she turned into a good friend. And now she will leave back to Italy because of the baby. What to say? She leaves, I’m sad, it’s over but a new baby will be born. Her life will change and so stupid I am that I can even focus at last, that my hairstyle will too.
Is so funny. The serious, smiles, my friend leaves, a baby will be born and I’m also feeling pregnant of words! So long I was not writing here, so long I was numb. And all this changes are so good to me. I’m writing like crazy. Like an explosion. Write, write, write. Some doors are closed but some great windows are opened.
________________________________________________
“John,
I wish your train was my train. Some lies are spoken as truths. Some “evers” mean always. Some streets are rebuilt to let blood get a better way to heart.
God Bless you,
Marcie”
________________________________________________

So sitting in the train.
Where do you want to go?
You can look through the window, up, down…
Run away from the others’ stares…
You can run away through the others’ eyes.
(But this is not good idea when they catch you)
Look into the others books… but then letters are on the wrong direction. Listen to the others conversations… Look into the girl’s neckline. Enjoy the landscape. Feel the sun… but is a bit complicated when you enter a tunnel. Then, there’s really nowhere else to go.
You are not free in the train.
All people can look at you and you can’t even escape from that.
You’re sharing one small place, one part of your private life with the “others”, with the “strangers”.
You even have to listen to their noises or smell the sweet morning glow or regret standing next to the “men after work”.
Someone else might see you writing this,
and wonder.

'Cause at the bottom of everything… Sex is personal.

Trouble. This song is always a good partner in my solitude. So this mornings were like the dreams talking through the reality, and if you don’t believe this, just talk to God by nights and you will see what happens. Sometimes you need a window, sometimes you need the rain to know all those old memories won’t let you go.
So you put on your very new clothes, say good bye to your bad family’s legacy behavior and sing a good morning song.
______________________________________________

“Dear John,
I think I can hear your letters, listen to your eyes in my dreams and think of you and believe you and damn… I can’t help, Love is still here, sitting next to me.
I’m sorry dear, I’m so sorry Love doesn’t want to leave the party (even the house is empty!). I want to go back to Pensacola to wave you a Hello… I’m sorry will ever talk to you.
Mom, doctors, pills, minds… I tried to tell Love he has a new home so he can leave and let me sleep tonight. He’s so obstinate. He thinks he’s feeling… fine! I’m worried about him. He should get some girlfriend and make some holiday. He’s funny and interesting but now is the time he should take himself back to the road…
Well, there’s the coffee and Love waiting for me so I gotta go. Please let me know if the brownies recipe worked out.

Take care,

Marcie"

CaffeineWine

Under pressure, when you need 40 coffees and your stomach is complaining at the very first one. When you think you disserve that self-made dinner with red wine alone… Starts the trip, the biiig trip between exploding your nerves and relaxing them in seconds. Column “A” turns “B” while you exist, but as an hologram.
________________________________________
So it is me. Sometimes time is not forgiving you. It’s so cruel when you are under the time line. I believe certain moments in our life require our energies 200% and it’s just when we call our inner spirit to give the chance to get out of it “right now“. Get out of so many compromises, so many things in the “to do” list. Not to say when we need the results in that “right now” and it’s just we start kind of temporal trip. We eat to live, we sleep to live, we talk to live, everything is just consumed in a ray of light. We are burned out. But… I learned to be “burned out” is to have no professionalism in your work life. Then how to follow, it’s like a movie, like if you are able to see picture by picture. You can even see the entire movie, but in the meantime you are able to see all small gaps in between. So, then the machines we are, turn on and speed up until that big duties wave is over….
I’m actually looking for that, like if the reward’s just behind the hill but what a f… hill. I wish my days were 32 hours, I wish my eyes could stop watching and imaging in the moments they only should focus in written words. I wish the music had no faces, no smells, no past, no atmosphere… I wish I was in a bubble absorbing just “the important matters”.
Then I wake up, eyes open wide, wide awake and breathe for the next run. I wish turbulence is over but after the great storm…
I really hope there is a rainbow, this is so dramatic, so chaotic, so burned out, so disorganized so… so me! What can we do when we know what we are and what we have to do?
- Respond.

Somewhere to begin, somewhere... to rely on

Don't we are like children sometimes?
Tonight I imagined I woke up this morning and said "I want my past". It's so bad to have such a mental trip backwards. It's not because bad memories, it is because so many good things, so many experiences that won't happen again ever... And I'm so sorry, and I'm not so sorry. All people say you cannot stick to the past... true. Neither to the future... true... again. So what "normal people" suggest is to stick to the present. I do not think it's bad, actually I do agree to stick to the present, but days seem to me go so fast that I can't even stick to a moment that will be gone few minutes later. So in the "secuence of reality" what does the real movie present to us? What does life tell us concerning "present"? Our everyday? I miss some everyday of my past, but when I compare it to my "everyday" of today, then it's even someway better. It's like a puzzle of good moments through our lives. Oh oh oh this is getting so complicated tonight. Maybe so many ideas are sailing over this surface...
But to continue... then what's happiness? If we cannot stick to past or future? when present is continiously gone...
I heard happiness is the sum of good moments or just one moment. Happiness can be reached by only a single moment and it lasts ... seconds! minutes! Not even hours! It's so sad... but it's true. Then we get in the normal human skin we have and maybe we are not prepared to live in "happiness" we need those bittersweet things that push us to enjoy happiness as it "should be enjoyed". Anyone can have a "happiness" theory, our minds are so great and huge... But it was my concern tonight. Where is time in our mental, physical or sentimental perception? How to deal with good times, memories, and time? Put them in a mixer. Then what do you feel? think? do?
How many times a day you ask yourself how happy you are? How many times a month you think you love your friends? your family? someone else? How strong is our connection to those dark corners in our brain?
Then I was again thinking how much time I'm missing to give a call, to fix some things at home, to finish some work....
It's so funny some things are delayed, some others are gone, some others need more time.
And I still ask myself... Where is time going?
Or it's maybe I need to watch that movie my flatmate suggested...
Sometimes answers come unexpected, in a book, in a movie... in someone talking next to you on the train.
Ok, then I'm looking forward to it. To run after time....
I wish I'm in time, to get my answers of course...