I figured out I’m only writing things that occurred, but what about expectations? Especially in my case, I’m sadly (but true) a person who’s always creating expectations about things that may occur. So this time I decided to come back home, cook some pasta and sit and write. What if in the last moment I change my obvious habits? First of all, this means writing during the day. I’m about start some holidays and I’m expecting too much guests for my “handling” capacity. Have you ever thought, “Oh my God what I’ve done?” or “I think in the end… it’ll be too much (-specially for me!-)” ? Maybe one time, when things suffocate us, like if we were suffering all Tetris pieces over our heads, we should just do nothing.
It’s also sad for me to confess lately what am I doing writing this letters, ideas, concerns, questions… Everyday seems to me like a picture, with some (or so many, depends) different colours depending on the day. I think again it’s coming back to me the big question about what we came for? I mean, it’s obvious we do our best, we try a good job, a nice flat, a house, some good friendships and maybe a big love. Then, a family, a car, a bigger house, of course some trips, some visits to the doctors, some… daily worries… And one day, you open the newspaper, and there’s a woman telling you that all things you learned, are just trash. All those things you learned as a woman, mean nothing because we are entering a “new era” and of course forget those stupid things about getting married or believing in life after life, because, life is one and it will be over and it will be like if someone turned off the switch. So basically you’re f**** and you should live as ever.
Ok, then for me is clear her point. But, I ask myself how’s she thinking when she says there’s nothing else. I mean I’m Christian but I do know there are some other people, with other religions who would just bit her with couple of words concerning her brilliant idea. I don’t want to mean an arrogant comment, but to criticize her way of thinking. To me was like the last cherry on a cake, the last drop on the glass. I mean, I was asking myself what I came for, and then, this woman says I have to forget everything after life, because there’s only one. But… What about this life? Then I think, she wasn’t thinking about people who think what’s life for, and she’s telling there’s only one opportunity. But things, one day will be over. E v e r y t h i n g.
My brother’s dog died last week. And again I felt that awful thing inside. When we know nothing will stop that “big step” in life. Nothing will stop us to die or to suffer our most beloved people’s death.
I’m afraid, and this makes me sad and hopeless sometimes. I’m always fighting and yesterday I heard something very important. So to my pink world, came these words: problems will constantly come even you have already resolved some. Yes I know this is obvious but sometimes we need people hit our ears and make us understand.
Why am I so afraid about death? Why is so shity when we lose someone or when someone breaks our heart? If in the end we’re going to die!
I’m so sorry; this time should be a happy letter for Easter holidays. But I can’t deny my sorrow.
I feel I can’t be a grey person. I hate words like “depression” or “sadness” I swear I do. But melancholic. I think I was born with a melancholic touch of God. And I hope next days; my expectations will be not exactly fulfilled but solved. I want to walk and not lose any second of THIS.
