'Cause at the bottom of everything… Sex is personal.

Trouble. This song is always a good partner in my solitude. So this mornings were like the dreams talking through the reality, and if you don’t believe this, just talk to God by nights and you will see what happens. Sometimes you need a window, sometimes you need the rain to know all those old memories won’t let you go.
So you put on your very new clothes, say good bye to your bad family’s legacy behavior and sing a good morning song.
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“Dear John,
I think I can hear your letters, listen to your eyes in my dreams and think of you and believe you and damn… I can’t help, Love is still here, sitting next to me.
I’m sorry dear, I’m so sorry Love doesn’t want to leave the party (even the house is empty!). I want to go back to Pensacola to wave you a Hello… I’m sorry will ever talk to you.
Mom, doctors, pills, minds… I tried to tell Love he has a new home so he can leave and let me sleep tonight. He’s so obstinate. He thinks he’s feeling… fine! I’m worried about him. He should get some girlfriend and make some holiday. He’s funny and interesting but now is the time he should take himself back to the road…
Well, there’s the coffee and Love waiting for me so I gotta go. Please let me know if the brownies recipe worked out.

Take care,

Marcie"

CaffeineWine

Under pressure, when you need 40 coffees and your stomach is complaining at the very first one. When you think you disserve that self-made dinner with red wine alone… Starts the trip, the biiig trip between exploding your nerves and relaxing them in seconds. Column “A” turns “B” while you exist, but as an hologram.
________________________________________
So it is me. Sometimes time is not forgiving you. It’s so cruel when you are under the time line. I believe certain moments in our life require our energies 200% and it’s just when we call our inner spirit to give the chance to get out of it “right now“. Get out of so many compromises, so many things in the “to do” list. Not to say when we need the results in that “right now” and it’s just we start kind of temporal trip. We eat to live, we sleep to live, we talk to live, everything is just consumed in a ray of light. We are burned out. But… I learned to be “burned out” is to have no professionalism in your work life. Then how to follow, it’s like a movie, like if you are able to see picture by picture. You can even see the entire movie, but in the meantime you are able to see all small gaps in between. So, then the machines we are, turn on and speed up until that big duties wave is over….
I’m actually looking for that, like if the reward’s just behind the hill but what a f… hill. I wish my days were 32 hours, I wish my eyes could stop watching and imaging in the moments they only should focus in written words. I wish the music had no faces, no smells, no past, no atmosphere… I wish I was in a bubble absorbing just “the important matters”.
Then I wake up, eyes open wide, wide awake and breathe for the next run. I wish turbulence is over but after the great storm…
I really hope there is a rainbow, this is so dramatic, so chaotic, so burned out, so disorganized so… so me! What can we do when we know what we are and what we have to do?
- Respond.

Somewhere to begin, somewhere... to rely on

Don't we are like children sometimes?
Tonight I imagined I woke up this morning and said "I want my past". It's so bad to have such a mental trip backwards. It's not because bad memories, it is because so many good things, so many experiences that won't happen again ever... And I'm so sorry, and I'm not so sorry. All people say you cannot stick to the past... true. Neither to the future... true... again. So what "normal people" suggest is to stick to the present. I do not think it's bad, actually I do agree to stick to the present, but days seem to me go so fast that I can't even stick to a moment that will be gone few minutes later. So in the "secuence of reality" what does the real movie present to us? What does life tell us concerning "present"? Our everyday? I miss some everyday of my past, but when I compare it to my "everyday" of today, then it's even someway better. It's like a puzzle of good moments through our lives. Oh oh oh this is getting so complicated tonight. Maybe so many ideas are sailing over this surface...
But to continue... then what's happiness? If we cannot stick to past or future? when present is continiously gone...
I heard happiness is the sum of good moments or just one moment. Happiness can be reached by only a single moment and it lasts ... seconds! minutes! Not even hours! It's so sad... but it's true. Then we get in the normal human skin we have and maybe we are not prepared to live in "happiness" we need those bittersweet things that push us to enjoy happiness as it "should be enjoyed". Anyone can have a "happiness" theory, our minds are so great and huge... But it was my concern tonight. Where is time in our mental, physical or sentimental perception? How to deal with good times, memories, and time? Put them in a mixer. Then what do you feel? think? do?
How many times a day you ask yourself how happy you are? How many times a month you think you love your friends? your family? someone else? How strong is our connection to those dark corners in our brain?
Then I was again thinking how much time I'm missing to give a call, to fix some things at home, to finish some work....
It's so funny some things are delayed, some others are gone, some others need more time.
And I still ask myself... Where is time going?
Or it's maybe I need to watch that movie my flatmate suggested...
Sometimes answers come unexpected, in a book, in a movie... in someone talking next to you on the train.
Ok, then I'm looking forward to it. To run after time....
I wish I'm in time, to get my answers of course...

Sometimes is hard to love someone, 'til the day that they are gone...

Tonight, parenthesis.

I just remembered that song, it also reminds me an old good friend of mine. I think I said, I think I even wrote it "Tonight I'm on my way". And ask myself how real is this or how much scared I am to become stronger. Some visit reminded me how loved I am and how empty my box is. When there's nothing to give or to receive.

But it was that pink little heart in front of this robot… I think there's much more to see. So much more...

Expectations

I figured out I’m only writing things that occurred, but what about expectations? Especially in my case, I’m sadly (but true) a person who’s always creating expectations about things that may occur. So this time I decided to come back home, cook some pasta and sit and write. What if in the last moment I change my obvious habits? First of all, this means writing during the day. I’m about start some holidays and I’m expecting too much guests for my “handling” capacity. Have you ever thought, “Oh my God what I’ve done?” or “I think in the end… it’ll be too much (-specially for me!-)” ? Maybe one time, when things suffocate us, like if we were suffering all Tetris pieces over our heads, we should just do nothing.
It’s also sad for me to confess lately what am I doing writing this letters, ideas, concerns, questions… Everyday seems to me like a picture, with some (or so many, depends) different colours depending on the day. I think again it’s coming back to me the big question about what we came for? I mean, it’s obvious we do our best, we try a good job, a nice flat, a house, some good friendships and maybe a big love. Then, a family, a car, a bigger house, of course some trips, some visits to the doctors, some… daily worries… And one day, you open the newspaper, and there’s a woman telling you that all things you learned, are just trash. All those things you learned as a woman, mean nothing because we are entering a “new era” and of course forget those stupid things about getting married or believing in life after life, because, life is one and it will be over and it will be like if someone turned off the switch. So basically you’re f**** and you should live as ever.
Ok, then for me is clear her point. But, I ask myself how’s she thinking when she says there’s nothing else. I mean I’m Christian but I do know there are some other people, with other religions who would just bit her with couple of words concerning her brilliant idea. I don’t want to mean an arrogant comment, but to criticize her way of thinking. To me was like the last cherry on a cake, the last drop on the glass. I mean, I was asking myself what I came for, and then, this woman says I have to forget everything after life, because there’s only one. But… What about this life? Then I think, she wasn’t thinking about people who think what’s life for, and she’s telling there’s only one opportunity. But things, one day will be over. E v e r y t h i n g.
My brother’s dog died last week. And again I felt that awful thing inside. When we know nothing will stop that “big step” in life. Nothing will stop us to die or to suffer our most beloved people’s death.
I’m afraid, and this makes me sad and hopeless sometimes. I’m always fighting and yesterday I heard something very important. So to my pink world, came these words: problems will constantly come even you have already resolved some. Yes I know this is obvious but sometimes we need people hit our ears and make us understand.
Why am I so afraid about death? Why is so shity when we lose someone or when someone breaks our heart? If in the end we’re going to die!
I’m so sorry; this time should be a happy letter for Easter holidays. But I can’t deny my sorrow.
I feel I can’t be a grey person. I hate words like “depression” or “sadness” I swear I do. But melancholic. I think I was born with a melancholic touch of God. And I hope next days; my expectations will be not exactly fulfilled but solved. I want to walk and not lose any second of THIS.

Give Me Some Popcorn

When I just don’t want to listen to the truth. When I just don’t want to face who really I am, when there’s nothing else to wait or to ask for… Just give me some Popcorn.

As the T.V. these days, when you have to be better than the best zapping player, when it’s just melodramatic news or when we don’t understand why some are happy about freedom victory and why some others not. When they even support it in “some special cases”. When I’m afraid to be a woman because so many women are killed. When some bombs explode in wrong hands or when whisperings only hurt your ears. When the music is always the same, but there are still some angels singing out there.

When the most romantic thing at nights are those one-night stands you’ll forget. When love and passion are being switched to welcome the frivolity of the fleeting pleasures.

Please some popcorn then I will forget those faces of hunger, those unexplained changes in human nature.

Compilations

It’s always a pleasure when friends ask me how went holidays at hometown. Normally you learn a lot and that’s ok. It’s just I’m tired to remember all those “adventures”
When was the last time I wrote this column??? I’m afraid this will start to follow the same way as my “constant” response to one of my very best friends.
So how was Xmas? We humans are supposed to celebrate God’s birth but the truth is totally the opposite or… different. We all drive ourselves crazy to get all that we can afford with the extra-payment (not my case) of work. Loads of presents just hanging in our minds just waiting to be immediately bought.
Besides my non-normal brutal shopping, I found a couple of things I would like to think about. First of all, I figured one of my pleasures is to read those “very interesting” magazines the airlines bring you to make you feel better and that everything's going to be fine with your flight (...). They sometimes give you good advices about those places you don’t even have half a coin to get them, but you would love to of course. Even the last time I realized I’m starting to divide those companies who have good writers and those who don’t…
So what can you give? I mean what can WE give to the world as an exchange of knowledge? Or, just a bit of wisdom?
The same airline made me know this “ASAP”(this word makes me sick!). Then it was me at the airport with empty hands. As it happens to many customs, my luggage was lost. Beside this, when I got it back, some pieces were missing as my anger was growing against that b****** who stole ‘em. Then I thought girl you –better- gotta be smarter and think about good things. Like first of all you’re lucky, there was no violent situation so I’m very grateful for that. And my summer words were gone too. In summer my suitcase (the same!) was lost for ten days! Even then the weather was warmer and I didn’t care much… and I started to think changing religion or become into Buddhism. That would just bring me to redemption! Never so far to be right…
Then I was frustrated because I realized I’m kind “infected” by all that trash our actual society pushes, shoot, record… whatever into your brain: capitalism. “Im nothing without –my little things-“ and that ladies and gentlemen, specially hurt when you think you’re living almost as a good hippie.
So beside laughing about myself and making some dark jokes about human kind, or me, I decided to make “rewind” and special movement that let me change the view.
I know I’m (very wrong to be) the first who’s always complaining about my compatriots. We always looking or trying to set ourselves into the top-ten list of… everything! As much as you have or achieve, the most you get and the faster become into a successful (idiot) person. This is not even like winners or losers; the fact is we’re so distracted in those stupid things that we forget about ourselves instantly. You just go out and take a look around. Take a look at your colleagues, friends and family…
I’m not saying I’ve already learnt. No. I think to get to that point or “human sensibility” will be harder but at least I will try to focus not to put much more interest into all those superficial things. I’m also not telling you to go out and sell all your belongings, of course not. What I propose is just to think about our valuable and definitely non-valuable “belongings” (actually, what does really –belong- to us?).

Another very important thing I didn’t tell before is moreover lecture; music is one of my passions. Whenever I’m happy, sad, melancholic, tired… There’s always something to listen and compare. To be able to feel metaphors between music and life is just great. On my last trip to Mexico, one day I was just getting into the car when I started the radio. My mother turned her face and said “ I can’t believe this, you and your brother are just the same… you-just-can’t-live-without-M U S I C ! ” Then I thought wow! I mean, I know I love music but sometimes we also forget to appreciate things we know we are supposed to like the most.
Then I made a connection between all those memoirs of this Xmas 2007 and thought life to me is like music. Sometimes you like the song, sometimes you want to repeat it thousand times because you love it, some others you just skip it or sometimes it takes you years to understand certain phrases in it…
I’m amazed how my senses wake up with it and shine.
So I think people and situations in my life are different compilations. Some only “singles”, one hit wonders, the best of… It’s just funny. But interesting.
To finish with the “brainstorm”, if I could give a song’s title to my last holidays, it definitely would be “Lección de vuelo” trying the translation in English, it would be something like “A lesson to fly”. It is based in a Mexican singer who as I understand, he suffered a break with his partner and mother of his child. For me was something like that, I had to get up from things I was never expecting to happen and I also didn’t expect to be sad for.

To clean your knees and to count from one to ten to finally start flying again costs(… a lot). Good we can learn and hopefully we really did.